Can We Just Put An End to the Mommy Wars Already?

Earlier today I saw someone post a Facebook status about a mom (or who knows, maybe not even a mom yet) belittling someone's choice to do extended breastfeeding.  This person went on to stick up for those who made this choice and was then unfriended, others agreed and went as far as to comment breastfeeding at all was disgusting and grossed her out.  Everywhere we turn we are being told if we don't do A, B or C then we aren't good moms.  Whether it's breastfeeding/bottle feeding, sleep training/co-sleeping, or allowing your child to attend a school that teaches Common Core/homeschooling (the list goes on and on and on and on), we are always being told from somewhere what we are doing wrong.

But why?  What are we getting out of these mommy wars?  Do moms really feel superior putting down others who do things different? Now don't worry I'm not sitting up on my pedestal writing this blog about all you judgey moms, I've fallen into the trap as well.  I mean my kids are so well adjusted I'm obviously doing it right :) sarcasm everyone!

 (seriously what kind of parenting is causing this)

I know I'm not the first to say this, but can't we all just get along?  Instead of telling each other what we are doing wrong can't we give an encouraging smile or hug to that mom who is still sleeping in a recliner or on the couch with their 11 week old "newborn".  No seriously instead of reading that wondering who this horrible parent is that can't get their child on a schedule or to sleep for more than an hour (on a good night) in her crib, take that adorable baby and give the mom a five minute break (please!!!). 

 

The problem with these mommy wars is we all want to feel like we are doing the right thing when it comes to raising kids, however, how can anyone ever feel like they are doing it right.  Instead of giving us the confidence as parents, we are left feeling alone and often times like failures. I am pretty sure on many many occasions I can be heard making statements of how I have messed up my kids. It has taken me three kids to realize, all parents are just doing what works for them and gives them at least a little bit of sanity in the crazy game of raising kids. And really as long as they are loving those kids and giving them shelter and some food occasionally, do we need to judge how they do the rest?  Maybe instead of doling out everything a new mom should be trying, we should offer to give them a break and or a safe placea to talk about their stresses and offering advice only when ASKED!  And let's be honest, there is a difference between offering advice and telling them how they should be doing it. It's time to truly offer friendship instead of judgement.  The way I raise my kids is no better or worse than the way you raise your kids.  They are all loved, and for the most part fairly normal.  Are any of us perfect parents?  No, we are all going to make our own mistakes, but we learn, adjust and move on.  

Now is when I get to brag!  I have the most amazing friends in the world. Stay with me here, I promise it all ties together.  No seriously I do! You truly should be jealous of these amazing friends I have (unless you are one of them, then pat yourself  on the back for being awesome!).

I had some really awesome friends in Michigan, but since moving back to Ohio I have basically a second family.  These girls have gone above and beyond to be a support system to not just me, but each other.  They stop over for a visit to hold Claire when Bryon is out of town, or drive my kids to and from events, or bring delicious delicious meat loafs and other amazing meals when we bring home needy newborn babies.  But this is just the beginning of what's so amazing about them.  What I love best about these gals is there is never judgement.  We are there to support each other no matter what struggle we may be going through.  At no time do these girls tell me how I can get my kid to sleep in her own bed. Instead  they just listen to my concerns of finding a dorm room bed big enough for Claire and I to share at college and my fear of finding a bouncy seat big enough for her professors to bounce her in when she gets fussy.  But it goes beyond parenting, we are there to support each other no matter what the struggle, image, relationships, marriage problems, ANYTHING.  

So that is my bragging, I have awesome friends and I'm a perfect parent.  Ok fine, but I do have awesome friends.  They challenge me everyday to be a better person because each and everyone of them is so amazing.  So that is my challenge to you.  Instead of judging that mom at school drop off or sitting across the aisle at church, find ways to encourage them.  It can be as simple as an encouraging smile or a simple, "it's going to be ok" when they are embarrassed by their toddler throwing a tantrum.  Let's stop putting each other down and join together, because let's face it MOMS ARE THE BEST!  And we are basically like superheroes, so imagine if all the moms joined forces instead of fighting each other.  

Ok, I must finish this...I hear the call, or cry, of a newborn who wants some superhero cuddles.  

Our "New" Adventure

Over the last couple of weeks the Zielonka Clan has embarked on a somewhat "new" adventure.  After lots and lots of contemplating, conversations, and stress I'm officially home with my kids.  Day 1 of Claire's life the mom guilt had already started to sink in, how I was going to leave this precious little girl and go back to work?  But I really didn't think I had much choice.  So I pushed it to the back of my mind and started to semi-emotionally prepare for the day 6 weeks down the road when I would leave her with the babysitter, who was more like a stand in mom for my girls than just a babysitter. Seriously Kay you are AMAZING and we miss you so much already!  As the 6 weeks went on the conversations started with my hubby on whether financially it made sense to go back to work and from my perspective can we financially afford for me to not work.  Turns out in the end it made more sense for me to be home  and so here we are...back on the adventure of "happy chaos" but with an additional kid along for the ride.

(seriously she is the CUTEST!!)

So here we are getting into our groove of being home and trying to manage some sort of "schedule." And during my first true week home with my girls I had one of those tragic reminders of how lucky I am hit.  A girl, who I didn't know personally, but danced at the same dance centre as my girls got sick very suddenly and it attacked her organs and 5 days later she passed away.  This little girl is a 5 year old and in kindergarten, like Kayla (ok K is 6) and I  don't think any parent can even imagine having to go home one night and your little girl is no longer a part of your home.  The whole thing just really hit me hard. Yes it was extremely sad, but it left me feeling convicted for how much I take for granted. 

As any parent knows, adding an additional kid to the family always has a transitional period where you are all adjusting to a new baby being home and taking care of that very needy newborn.  Add to that the very little sleep I was managing to get and you get a lot of frustration and short tempers.  To make this time even more special we were smack dab in the middle of winter which equals all kids stuck inside! 

(Poor Bryon)

 So as you can imagine I was always frustrated and just trying to convince my older kids to go play by themselves and give me the two minutes of quiet time before Claire needs to eat again.   

So here we are in the middle of this "new" adventure and this realization hits me in the midst of the tragic tragic death.  Instead of being annoyed my girls want to kiss (read this as smother) their baby sister, be joyful in the fact that they truly fell in love with this sweet new addition to our family.  Instead of constantly trying to send them off, find ways to spend time just playing with them however they want, even if it means bouncy a baby seat with one hand and playing barbies with the other. It was time for me to be the one that was inconvenienced, instead of my kids.   I need to be in the moment, and stop being frustrated that they crave my attention.  You truly never know what the future holds, and if my biggest concern is Abby wants 16 hugs before bedtime, then my life is pretty good.  Yes, I still have a right to get frustrated on that 16th hug, but I need to keep the perspective of all I have to be thankful for.  

I wish I could say this is the tragic reminder I need and forever and ever I will cherish every moment, but let me be honest, it won't.  I know there will be a time (most likely when Bry is in Germany and my parents are on vacation during the same week) when I'm going to be frustrated and just want my kids to leave me alone, because, well I'm human.  But I'm truly hoping I can start to really enjoy those little moments with my kids, those moments where I get to watch what makes them smile or laugh and what brings their imagination to life. I got that opportunity this past weekend and it was such an incredible memory.  I took the "big girls" on a special date night to see the musical Beauty and the Beast at a nearby high school. We got all dressed up and I curled the girls hair and we headed out for a night on the town!

  

I got to watch their faces light up during Be Our Guest and when the Beast turned into the prince and they all lived happily ever after.  It was just an amazing night with the two older girls and it was so nice to be out of the house and have my attention on only them.  I didn't have to fit them in, in between feedings and diaper changes.  And Bryon even pretended Claire was really good for him until we were home and then told me how much she hates him (she truly doesn't she just hates her crib!).  The rest of the weekend was just as great, Kayla had a basketball tournament and we went and saw Cinderella at the movie theater.  The first signs of spring were here and we FINALLY got to play outside!  OHHH and the best part Claire is finally starting to sleep in her crib!

So what is the point to this extremely long ramble (besides Kayla being the cutest basketball player ever!) Try to find those little moments among the frustration of our day to day schedule to truly appreciate all that you are blessed enough to have.  Yes, I know we all have our bad days and when you have kids your schedules are pretty much non-stop and tiring.  But I'm trying to really focus on how I speak to my girls.  Occasionally I get frustrated and they run off upset and I try to remind myself, what if that is the last thing I ever get to say to them?  I'm not trying  to guilt any of us into thinking we are horrible parents, because if you are my friend I guarantee you are an amazing parent.

 I know we are all going to have our moments, days, and sometimes even months.  But even in those moments, try to find the good.  Last Wednesday, I was upset all afternoon that Claire was diagnosed with bi-lateral hip dyplasia (please don't ask me what it is because I honestly don't know or really understand it) and we have to go see an orthopedic specialist and probably have her wear leg braces.  I felt like no matter how hard I try my kids always have health issues as babies.  What am I doing wrong and in general I was just down about my luck.  Then this little girl passes away unexpectedly and I realize, yes it stinks that I have another baby who has another health issue, but I get to have her home every night and I get to hold her, and talk to her, and feed her.  Does it suck she has to go get these braces, yep, is it the worst thing that could happen, absolutely not.

So, I know you are probably thinking, Lindsay this isn't rocket science, I read a gazillion blogs a day reminding me to be grateful for all that I have.  And really all I can say is, so I have I and it never sinks in so obviously you need another one to remind you :) Ok, I'm kidding, I guess this is just my way of trying to hold myself accountable to be more in the moment with my kids.  And if along the way, it helps remind you, well that is a bonus for me.  So as we embark on the journey of me being home, I will truly try to stay in the moment, and really enjoy watching them grow up because it is already going too fast!