Time For A Change

Hi, my name is Lindsay and I'm finally admitting I am in a funk!  Let's face it, this winter has been horrible.   I have pretty much motivated myself to go to work and that's about the extent of my winter days. I just have no motivation to do much else lately, even our daily dance parties have been put on hold.  I have decided it is time to make some changes.

We recently took a trip up to visit my sister and the week leading up to it all I could think was this is the break we needed.  Bryon got to spend the weekend dry walling, while my sister and I shopped and took the girls to the water-park.  

We had a blast and the whole weekend was great.  But the thing I found when we got home Sunday, I was still in a funk come Monday morning.  I didn't feel relaxed and refreshed ready to face a new week.  So if vacation isn't the answer to my funk, I turned to my two favorite things, music and quotes.  So here is a list of quotes that are going to motivate me out of my funk starting today and a couple of songs that are helping along the way as well.  

Quote #1:  "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."

This could have been my life motto through high school and college, and then I became an adult and had kids.  And now it seems like it is so easy to get caught up in the everyday stresses of life we forget it really doesn't take much to make a difference in someone's life.  I was talking to a friend the other day about some of what I think is causing my funky ways these past couple of weeks and that is this myth we have all fed into as adults that if you aren't in a job of power you can't make a difference.  I will be the first to admit my career will never be my all, the thing I base my life upon, it's not what will bring me happiness.  But at the same time I want to be remembered as someone who made a difference in my community.  As I get older I want people to feel like I had a positive impact in their lives in some way, and to me I don't feel I need a powerful job to make it happen.  However, I do need to start doing something and finding ways outside of work to start making an impact.  

Another quote that could go along with this is "Life's most persistent and urgent question is, what are you doing for others."  It's time to start focusing on how I can help others more and focus on me less.  

Quote 2:  "You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy"

I have found myself letting the crap that doesn't matter bog me down over the past few weeks.  I don't know if it is because the little stresses that normally don't bother me I used to work out at the gym or why the past few weeks this has changed.  But I need to shake all the yuck off that doesn't matter.  I'm not here to fight other people's battles that I have no part in.  I am ready to get back to focusing on myself and the goals of my own life.  So this quote was a nice shove to remind me, get rid of the toxic stuff that has no place in my life other than to weigh me down and distract me.  

Quote 3 & 4:  "Be the type of person that makes everyone you come across feel perfectly OK with being exactly who they are."

"Be an encourager.  The world has enough critics."

These two sort of go along with the quote above.  I need to say enough with the negativity and love and accept people for who they are, regardless of whether I agree with their choices.  This is a big one for me when it comes to my youth cycling class because I tend to find myself getting frustrated with certain kids because our personalities clash.  I have one in particular who will distract and disrupt my entire class if he is in the right mood, but I have found through the past two weeks we have made a connection with our love of writing.  So now I can focus him on telling me about the books he wants to write and get through a whole class with no major disruptions.  Instead of being annoyed and frustrated I can really connect and who knows, maybe impact his life as a positive encourager with something he enjoys.  

Alright, I will stop boring everyone with my motivational quotes.  But I will insist you listen two amazingly encouraging songs that can only leave you inspired to make a difference.  The first one is by Matthew West called Do Something.  Really just the title of the song makes me feel lazy!  The second one is by Hillsong called Oceans (although my lovely and amazingly talented friend, Lynne Nagel, puts the actual song to shame with her voice!).  These two songs have been on repeat this weekend and I can attest to them changing your attitude.  I am finally at a place where I feel refreshed and positive and ready to make a a change.  How exactly I am going to do that has yet to be determined, but I have no fear or doubt that I can do it...I have a few ideas up my sleeve, but that is for another blog post :)

For those that are feeling in this same type of nasty winter rut or life rut, I hope that maybe these quotes that motivate me may do the same for you....and if not, never fear, sunnier weather is around the corner.  So remember, "Either you run the day or the day runs you."

Three is the Magic Number (No I'm Not Pregnant People!)

There was never any doubt that Abby was the missing piece to our family when she was born three years ago.  How is it possible that it has been three years already!  In true Abby fashion, everything in her own  time, Abs made a very quick appearance into the world (51 minutes after getting to the hospital).  I am still working on forgiving her for denying me time for an epidural.  But she was perfect, she looked just like Kayla, and she was such a laid back baby she made parenting a newborn relaxing the second time around.  I had no worries with her, she was the second kid, she was going to be our "easy one".  

I was a little off in that theory however.  Yes the first two weeks were relaxing and great, then the next 10 1/2 months (ok maybe the next two years) were, well I'm not even sure there is a word to describe it.  As most of you know by now Abs was born with a congenital lung disease and had a lobe of her lungs removed at 3 weeks old.  There is no feeling worse than having to hand over your newborn baby to a nurse you just met for an 8+ hour surgery and trust that she will come out alright.  Well here we are three years later, and while that first year  or two was filled with doctors appointments and set backs from her time in the hospital, I consider myself one of the lucky parents who can say I have a healthy 3 year old dancing around today.  Just like I do for Kayla, here is my journal entry for Abby's third birthday.  

Dear Abby,

     I sometimes can't believe it has been three years! I have a mix of emotions when I think back to you as a baby.  While I wanted to cry, pull my hair out, and take a really long nap most days, I saw what an amazing fighter you are.  I know that this will be a trait you will always have.  You insist on doing everything by yourself and you rarely want help.  In fact you would rather run around screaming for twenty minutes trying to figure it out on your own than ask mommy or daddy for help.  I think Kayla may be teaching you the art of dramatics when you are locked in your room because you are following in her footsteps when it comes to that.  But you are stubborn and you insist you will figure it out on your own time. 

 I love watching you grow up.  You have faced more challenges than any kid should have to and you always fight through them and come out a stronger kid on the other side.  I hope that these traits carry on as you get older.  You are confident and know what you want, and that is a special thing.  You are going to grow up to be a great leader some day.  You know the perfect time to make a joke and bring laughter to our house as well as when mommy or sissy just need a hug after a rough day.  You are the comforter of the family.  

When you were first born I thought I made a huge mistake having you and Kayla only two years apart because for the first year Kayla destroyed you, then you caught up and destroyed her for a year, but this past year has changed my mind.  It makes my heart melt to hear you two giggling in your bunk beds at night and playing everyday.  You have realized at a young age you are going to grow up to be best friends and Kayla will always be someone you can count on and vice versa.  Always remember that and don't let the little fights tear you apart.  Learn from each other and continue to be my little rock stars. 

    I'm sure you have heard this story 100,000 times by now but your middle name Rachel is after mommy's best friend.  She had a way to always know exactly what I needed to hear to cheer me up or pull me out of a bad day at work.  She had a smile and laugh that you couldn't not be comforted by.  You are living up to that middle name and I know there are wonderful things in store for your future if you grow up even half as amazing as she did. I always wish you could have met her because you are so much like her it is amazing.  

 I have so many wishes for you Abby.  I want you to grow up knowing how independent and strong you are.  That you can face any challenge and come out on the other side a stronger, wiser person.  I want you to keep being yourself!  I love seeing what crazy outfit or idea you will come up with next.  We never know what story or funny thing will come out of your mouth next.  You keep us guessing and definitely on our toes.  We will never forget all the different challenges you have put us through this past year.  You have cut your own hair, pooped in the bath tub, started climbing on kitchen counters....and jumping, and how can we ever forget the worst trip to El Azteca when you decided to puke everywhere.  We never know what you are going to leave us to deal with next and you keep us on our toes.  You have made this family a happier place and we love you so much!   

Love Mommy

So there you have it, three years of Abby.  If we have learned anything from Abby it is not to doubt what someone can do just because they have been faced with challenges.  Because  of the time Abby has spent  in the ICU we have a bond and understand those feelings parents have when their child is sick. I have talked to many parents whose kids either had much worse illnesses or some minor complications and we all have a bond from going through the experience.  The one thing all of these amazing kids I have met have in common is how stubborn and strong they are.  It seems the more a kid has to fight to live, the more they fight to be independent and get through challenges as they get older.  Like I mentioned above, it is hard for me sometimes to look back and think about everything we went through.  Abby's hospital stay was truly the most difficult thing I have ever gone through.  I have never felt as helpless as I did standing by her bed watching every alarm going off and the nurses and doctors trying to figure out what is going on, and I couldn't do anything.  It is a feeling I would never wish on even my worst nightmare.  It is a feeling no parent should have to go through, but unfortunately a lot of parents are faced with it. And we are the extremely lucky ones, we got to bring home a healthy baby who you look at today and would never guess she was failure to thrive her first year of life because she couldn't gain weight.  It is going through this that has taught me to give these amazing little fighters more credit, because they are all destined to do great things because they can handle any challenge thrown their way.  

So for Abby's birthday I am going to hold and cuddle and laugh with her and remember how amazing she is and how lucky we are as a family, because not every family I met during our time in the ICU has that same fortune.  Happy Birthday Abigail Rachel!  

Just Another Manic Monday?

All parents have had those days, weeks, months where we are at the end of our rope and feel like a kid is always tugging on our shirt, or wiping their nose on our sleeves, or begging for a snack.  We all have those moments where we mutter a phrase similar to "just stop talking" under our breathes or in frustration yell out "JUST GO TO SLEEP!"  Kid's roles in our lives are to drive us insane so they can have us committed when we get older and rule the world.  But it's funny how all of those little things that we view as annoyance change in an instant.

This is the case for me as I sit here writing it after spending some extra special time with my girls tonight.  You see what started as a typical Monday morning (other than I had to register Kayla for Kindergarten!!) changed in an instant when a half sheet of paper was handed to me at preschool drop off.  We learned a family in Kayla's class was faced with their worst nightmare, their son was diagnosed with leukemia.  I don't know this little boy or his parents, I do know I have heard Kayla talk about him quite a bit, but none of that mattered.  I think all parents get that pit in their stomach as soon as they hear another family going through something.  You get that moment of just sadness and heartbreak for that family and what they will have to face, and then that since of guilt for taking for granted the time we do have with our kids.

By now we all know I have a problem with over commitment and always being busy.  So because of this I try to enjoy the time I do spend with my kids.  For the most part I love bedtime. I love spending time reading them stories, or making them up like my dad used to do (come on Andi you remember the girl who wanted a pony but got a pig because she wore pigtails!) and tucking them in.  But there are nights, even weeks sometimes, where I want to rush through it and get out of there room and enjoy my quiet time for an hour before bed.  But tonight, I felt like I could sit in there and cuddle with Abs and listen to Kayla tell me stories about dinosaurs stealing her cds all night. I wanted to soak up as much time with them as possible.  And I got to thinking, why does it take a sad situation to remind us that these moments are just that, moments.  Before we know it, our babies are registering for kindergarten or going off to college.  We never stop to think about the what if's until something like this hits closer to home.

What's the point of all of this you ask..I wish I could tell you.  I wish I could sit here and say that from now on I will cherish every minute I get to spend with my kids.  That I will joyfully let them crawl in bed and smile when they kick me in the face at 2am, but let's face it, life gets in our way.  I'm sure for this week I will hug my kids a little tighter and listen more closely to their stories.  But ask me in a week and I bet I will be frustrated that Abs waited until after she peed on her chair to tell me she had to go potty or pulling my hair out trying to help Kayla pick an outfit out for the day.  I wish I could say I don't need the daily reminder that not every family is lucky enough to have these be their biggest problems, but I am human.  We tend to be busy people who forget how good we truly do have it.  So I guess the point of this is to serve as a reminder for all you amazing parents out there...these little frustrations in our life are just that, LITTLE frustrations.  We can mutter under our breathe and sigh heavily, but let's try to remember some parents wish these were the frustrations they were dealing with.

So while I still have this reminder of just how amazing these two crazy kids are, even during the frustrating time, I'm going to go tuck them in a little tighter and start to prepare for the battle of what to wear with Kayla.